Saturday, April 15, 2017


Life is going really well right now. 

I am loving my new apartment. I love my retail job. My main job is going better. I have female friends in my life that are supportive and positive. I also have a possible new relationship starting and that is certainly creating a nice state of mind. 

It's so crazy to me how different I was last year. A year ago I had two friends playing head games with me and I had taken cipro. It turns out cipro is not great for mental health. A year ago, I didn't think I would here today and it was frightening for me.

I am returning to flying trapeze next week. I am expecting it to be a great workshop full of friends I missed flying with for well over a year in avoiding a person. It seems I can fly with out this person these days. I can continue both flying and static trapeze. I nearly left static trapeze (AGAIN) because of the same person (AGAIN) but it worked out.  For the first time I actually do not care if that person reads this because she played a lot of games with me including gaslighting, repeating embarrassing stories to peers without my approval, and other things.  In attempts to be the imaginary alpha of trapeze she made it psychologically impossible for me to continue in circus arts at the time (several times) because I couldn't get away from her.  

So I am THRILLED to be returning and flying free from this person for the first time since my first season in 2010!  When I started having dreams of being in the air, I knew it was time to go back. 

For about half of last year, I was still recovering from a man who broke me.  I say broken because I had never had such a strong connection to someone and when it ended the reasoning was incredibly painful.  It destroyed me. My confidence was blown away completely and I am certain it's had a lot to do with my slight weight gain.  Admittedly, the weight gain is not bad. It's just annoying. It's also something I know will start to melt away with flying trapeze.

I have literally waited a year and a half to attempt a date.  For the first time in my dating life I am guarded.  It's weird.  I am the one holding back and not for any reason other then fear.  I fear being broken again but I have no idea how to be less guarded without falling in heart first.  So I can thank Sean for breaking me in a way that's forced me to be detached and aloof with dating.

Some things I have been doing besides working and trapeze...

I went to see the final Barnum and Bailey Circus at the Barclays. I bought really good seats. They were maybe 6 rows in and dead center.  I have never sat that close for a circus.  The previous time I saw Barnum and Bailey I was not impressed but being the last tour I very much wanted to see this one.  If it's still coming to your town, please go!  "Out of this World" is spectacular.  Many of the performances are done while ice skating!  The show is still headed to MSG and Nassau Colosseum.  Sadly the "Extreme" tours NY leg was cancelled.  I am sad about this because that tour features the first female ring leader. 

Last Saturday, I went to the city and saw Circus 1903.  If you are into circus or train circus arts, it is definitely worth seeing.  I love seeing older circus acts that are not as performed much.  The show had teeter board, cycling, juggling, tightrope, amazing contortion, and my favorite next to the contortion was hand to hand acrobatics.  I have never seen this act before.  A man stands on the platform and the female flyer holds his hands and does acrobatic tricks similar to flying trapeze while swinging from his arms and my goodness was she a beautiful flier. Her lines were amazing. 

This weekend we are going to see an acrobat show called "Something" at the New Victory theater. 

I have seen Logan, Ghost in the Shell, and Beauty and the Beast in theaters. 

I loved Logan. I teared up. With the changes to Laura's origin it changed her personality a bit but I am so happy with her anyway. It was so good. 

I wasn't impressed with Beauty and the Beast. I did not dislike it but I was underwhelmed with some of the scenes. I felt cheated when "Home" was playing but it was not actually used.  I did like Emma as Belle. What I don't like is the changing of musical arrangements.  In the "Belle (Reprise)" there is a key note that everyone expects to hear and they changed it. Did they change it for Emma or to set the movie apart from all the other productions?  I don't know but moments like that were a real let down for me. I did like that Maurice was captured for picking a rose for Belle. In the fairy tale I read as a little kid (prior to the animation), Belle was the youngest of 3 daughters. Their father asked if they wanted anything and Belle asked for a rose which caused her father to be captured. It was nice seeing that added. 

I really liked Ghost in the Shell. We saw it in IMAX 3D and I can with out a doubt say it was worth seeing that way. The movie was beautiful overall. I also enjoyed the conversation between friends over the racial issues regarding the film. 

That's most of what I have been up to. It's been great lately. I hope it stick around. 

Wednesday, March 15, 2017


I am likely closing this blog down.  I still have not made a decision. 

Saturday, February 11, 2017

What Shopping Do I Dread? Bras...

Yes, bras. More so then bathing suits. Bathing suits are seasonal and can be worn for a few years. I mean my striped triangle top I just got rid of because the elastic did not just give up... oh no... it shattered across the entire band of the top.  No worries, finding bikini tops is fairly easy. 

Pant shopping is fairly annoying. It took me realizing the thighs of the only jeans I wear ready to fade to nothing to get me to go through the frustration of jean shopping. Eventually I found a Target with what I needed but failed attempts happened. 

Work pants are worse and I have currently resorted to cheap Walmart pants that do the job and feel a bit like plastic but they work for now.  Basically they fit decently and have good pockets. Finding dress pants with good pockets (if any) is a miracle. Sigh. 

Anyway, I have had a weird migraine all week long so I asked to leave work early and I decided to try bra shopping.... 

Typically bra shopping involves me getting painfully frustrated that I can't find anything close to my size without going to a specialty store.  Lucky me, the stars aligned today and I found a new go to brand. 

While I had been looking for jeans, I also looked for bras at Target because I previously bought a lot of their Gilligan O'Malley brand. I really like them but it's exceptionally rare to find one in DD let alone DDD.  I don't think they come in DDD actually. I did see some large band sizes in DD which means they either sold out of normal band sizes or cater to the smaller cup of the larger band. Sigh. 

If you don't know, bra sizing works with alternate sizing.  I normally use an alternate size.  My last round of Gilligan bras were 36D because at the time I measured at 34DD.  Now I am a 36DDD. Up a band size, down a cup size or down a band size, up a cup size. 

Earlier in the week I had been really annoyed by irritation from the cup on my too small bra which prompted me to seriously consider searching for bras again.  So I went to a Kohls today and tried Apt 9 bras because they advertised larger cup sizes. Thank you!!!!!

They didn't have a 36DDD but they had 34DD, 38DD, and 38DDD. I wound up with the 38DD. A 36 band would last me longer but I am good with the 38 for now.

As I was going through my bra drawer moments ago I noticed the variety of sizes and how things have changed. Around 2006 I graduated to the C cup I always wanted and never stopped... thankfully I never got those implants one of my old boyfriends suggested.  Eek!

This is my first Gilligan bra that I can remember. I refuse to get rid of it because if you remember the movie "Because I Said So" it's the same bra Mandy Moore wears before they get massages.  It was by surprise and accident but it's mine forever!  I also love that movie. 

The cup size difference is wild.

This is a Samantha Blake 34D against the new cup size. 


This one of my "recent" Gilligan bras. The 36D is still noticeably smaller in the cup. Hopefully I will be way more comfortable. Fingers crossed. 

What sold me on the Apt 9 over the also well fitting Maidenform was that the gore actually sat on my breast bone!  I mean it's closer then any other bra I have worn or tried on. The gore is the center piece on the front inbetween the cups.  I have a hard time with this because I have what's called kissing breasts. Basically, while annoyingly large they are close together and I don't really have a gap like most women.  Annoying for bras but makes for decent cleavage. 

I wound up with 4 bras.  It was such a shopping win that I went out and shopped more. I picked up a Rock Vinyl Captain Marvel, Build-a-Bear Minty, Build-a-Bear Celestia, among a bunch of other things.  It was a very good afternoon and it ended with breakfast dinner at Denny's!

Wednesday, February 1, 2017

Cruising in a Group with Anxiety

So I am currently on my last evening on my first ever cruise. By day 2, I was certain that cruises just weren't my thing but after the excursions I started to enjoy myself. However, tonight the anxiety returned. 

First Time Waxer

I have never ever had a wax before not even an eyebrow wax.

Monday, January 16, 2017

Getting Ready to Travel

So in less then two weeks, I take off on my first ever cruise and as of I guess last Monday I started the prep for it. 

Wednesday, December 28, 2016

Anxiety Attack

I had a pretty big anxiety attack the Wednesday before Christmas. I had several pretty tough days in a row and by Wednesday I exploded. 

So Monday was busy as usual but I got a bit upset because of some nonesense with one of our purveyors. Basically the sales representative is lazy but wants more business and made demands.  It's not something I can speak on in detail but it was very upsetting. This is the same sales rep who sent me Obama hate chain mails at least 3 times.  I am not a fan of this man. 

I didn't have my second job Monday but I don't recall what I did that evening. The following day I was swamped with more last minute holiday requests (because no one knows they are having a party until the day of apparently).  Between that, my regular inventory, and the constant additional requests at the door, I was pretty done for by time I got to my break which was an hour later at 3pm. I was too busy to go at my normal time. I was also exhausted. 

I did have my second job Tuesday night. I took a quick nap in the car inbetween jobs. I have been doing this pretty frequently lately. I went into work as usual but I was really out of it. I managed to lock my bag, car keys, and everything except my coat in the locker including the key to open it. I had already been stressed out and now I was panicking. How was I going to get home?  How will I get to work tomorrow?  If I get home, how will I get in?

Security did not have bolt cutters. I send my new landlord a text asking if she could go into my apartment and find the spare key. She did and she found it. I asked several local friends if they could pick up the key and bring it to my job. I knew it was a tall order but everyone turned me down. One person never responded. So my landlord brought it out to me. I was grateful and completely embarrassed. 

The entire time I was trying to get anyone to pick up the key, I kept thinking how this is something people with normal (or semi functional) families call their family for but I don't have that. It's a hard reality of my life. I don't have that safety net and no matter how awful family can be they usually bail people out of these kind of situations.  My worst fear (other then drowning) is having a real emergency and no one responds and there I was having a more minor emergency and no one responded. I am crushed by my own reality.

So Wednesday, I was upset from the night before and worried about what insanity was ahead for the day.  I found at least two more local people that might have been able to help. That's a plus. However, remember the one person that didn't get back to me?  They did on Wednesday telling me they didn't see the message and had a very emotional day with their family. While this may be accurate and a good excuse, my friend likely unintentionally twisted that knife in deeper. I lost it. 

I left work and by time I got to the car I was hysterical and bloodshot. I had plans for that afternoon but instead I did what I needed to do and bolted home.  I picked up my laundry, and I did two minor things in storage.  I made it home and curled up in bed. I slept through the night.

The next day, driving into work I was fighting my thoughts and tears but overall I made it through much better then I had all week. Plus the day ended on a high note as I helped put together the food donations for Adopt-a-Family. It's one of my favorite things to do. Coming from a poor family I truly love helping to feed the underprivileged for the holidays. I wish we did it more then once a year. 

So the end result of this is me being even more careful with people in my life, but also being better at taking my anxiety medication.  Today I am just sick with an icky head cold. Wish it away for me please. 

Monday, December 12, 2016

Brooken Tooth

So last week was certainly an interesting one and it started with me breaking my tooth on Tuesday.

I was at work around 4:30pm and as I did daily was chewing on hard candy. I know. That's terrible for teeth. I get it. Anyway, I am chewing along and the hard candy is not breaking down like usual. I pulled a piece out and realized it was part of my tooth. Yes, I destroyed the piece that broke off. 

I also had tiny fragments all over in my mouth. Thankfully, I still have a toothbrush kit at work from several years ago.  So I brushed my teeth and took a good look before leaving work for my second job. 

The odd thing was it didn't hurt. My tooth did not hurt. I wasn't quite sure if a filling broke or the actual tooth but I had no pain or sensitivity. 

I went to my second job and I was overly concerned with my mouth. I knew it wasn't visible and it wasn't cutting my mouth but it felt weird on my cheek.  When I finally got home I took a pain killer in case it started getting painful while I was sleeping. 

On Tuesday, I had been lucky enough to secure an appointment with my dentist Dr Lee for the following day. So Wednesday I left work early and went to see Dr Lee. I haven't seen him in awhile admittedly. I have had my teeth cleaned but it was on his off days. So I was with the hygienist. 

Dr Lee semi handled my root canal a few years back. It was unfortunate at the first visit we could not locate the naughty tooth because I was in so much pain he couldn't run tests besides X-rays and it wasn't showing up on X-rays. It's those moments when your crying the dentist waiting room at 8am as a walkin in from pain that makes me be totally okay waiting when other people have dental emergencies pushing my appointment way back. 

So I was back with Dr Lee and he determined that my tooth had cracked off around a filling.  He took the old filling out, replaced it, and rebuilt my tooth.  That man is amazing with novacaine. I did not feel that needle one bit.  Because I wasn't in dental pain I didn't feel anything in regards to my tooth being fixed. 

It's technically not the first time a tooth has broken on me. I had one break many years ago. My far left top molar. One day I happened to notice it was sharp. I wound up having it pulled since it was not a smile tooth and as it turns out they couldn't have saved it anyway. It shattered as they pulled it. 

I try to take good care of my teeth. I am not perfect. I rarely floss but I do try.  It's important to save your teeth.