Monday, January 16, 2017
Wednesday, December 28, 2016
I had a pretty big anxiety attack the Wednesday before Christmas. I had several pretty tough days in a row and by Wednesday I exploded.
So Monday was busy as usual but I got a bit upset because of some nonesense with one of our purveyors. Basically the sales representative is lazy but wants more business and made demands. It's not something I can speak on in detail but it was very upsetting. This is the same sales rep who sent me Obama hate chain mails at least 3 times. I am not a fan of this man.
I didn't have my second job Monday but I don't recall what I did that evening. The following day I was swamped with more last minute holiday requests (because no one knows they are having a party until the day of apparently). Between that, my regular inventory, and the constant additional requests at the door, I was pretty done for by time I got to my break which was an hour later at 3pm. I was too busy to go at my normal time. I was also exhausted.
I did have my second job Tuesday night. I took a quick nap in the car inbetween jobs. I have been doing this pretty frequently lately. I went into work as usual but I was really out of it. I managed to lock my bag, car keys, and everything except my coat in the locker including the key to open it. I had already been stressed out and now I was panicking. How was I going to get home? How will I get to work tomorrow? If I get home, how will I get in?
Security did not have bolt cutters. I send my new landlord a text asking if she could go into my apartment and find the spare key. She did and she found it. I asked several local friends if they could pick up the key and bring it to my job. I knew it was a tall order but everyone turned me down. One person never responded. So my landlord brought it out to me. I was grateful and completely embarrassed.
The entire time I was trying to get anyone to pick up the key, I kept thinking how this is something people with normal (or semi functional) families call their family for but I don't have that. It's a hard reality of my life. I don't have that safety net and no matter how awful family can be they usually bail people out of these kind of situations. My worst fear (other then drowning) is having a real emergency and no one responds and there I was having a more minor emergency and no one responded. I am crushed by my own reality.
So Wednesday, I was upset from the night before and worried about what insanity was ahead for the day. I found at least two more local people that might have been able to help. That's a plus. However, remember the one person that didn't get back to me? They did on Wednesday telling me they didn't see the message and had a very emotional day with their family. While this may be accurate and a good excuse, my friend likely unintentionally twisted that knife in deeper. I lost it.
I left work and by time I got to the car I was hysterical and bloodshot. I had plans for that afternoon but instead I did what I needed to do and bolted home. I picked up my laundry, and I did two minor things in storage. I made it home and curled up in bed. I slept through the night.
The next day, driving into work I was fighting my thoughts and tears but overall I made it through much better then I had all week. Plus the day ended on a high note as I helped put together the food donations for Adopt-a-Family. It's one of my favorite things to do. Coming from a poor family I truly love helping to feed the underprivileged for the holidays. I wish we did it more then once a year.
So the end result of this is me being even more careful with people in my life, but also being better at taking my anxiety medication. Today I am just sick with an icky head cold. Wish it away for me please.
Monday, December 12, 2016
So last week was certainly an interesting one and it started with me breaking my tooth on Tuesday.
I was at work around 4:30pm and as I did daily was chewing on hard candy. I know. That's terrible for teeth. I get it. Anyway, I am chewing along and the hard candy is not breaking down like usual. I pulled a piece out and realized it was part of my tooth. Yes, I destroyed the piece that broke off.
I also had tiny fragments all over in my mouth. Thankfully, I still have a toothbrush kit at work from several years ago. So I brushed my teeth and took a good look before leaving work for my second job.
The odd thing was it didn't hurt. My tooth did not hurt. I wasn't quite sure if a filling broke or the actual tooth but I had no pain or sensitivity.
I went to my second job and I was overly concerned with my mouth. I knew it wasn't visible and it wasn't cutting my mouth but it felt weird on my cheek. When I finally got home I took a pain killer in case it started getting painful while I was sleeping.
On Tuesday, I had been lucky enough to secure an appointment with my dentist Dr Lee for the following day. So Wednesday I left work early and went to see Dr Lee. I haven't seen him in awhile admittedly. I have had my teeth cleaned but it was on his off days. So I was with the hygienist.
Dr Lee semi handled my root canal a few years back. It was unfortunate at the first visit we could not locate the naughty tooth because I was in so much pain he couldn't run tests besides X-rays and it wasn't showing up on X-rays. It's those moments when your crying the dentist waiting room at 8am as a walkin in from pain that makes me be totally okay waiting when other people have dental emergencies pushing my appointment way back.
So I was back with Dr Lee and he determined that my tooth had cracked off around a filling. He took the old filling out, replaced it, and rebuilt my tooth. That man is amazing with novacaine. I did not feel that needle one bit. Because I wasn't in dental pain I didn't feel anything in regards to my tooth being fixed.
It's technically not the first time a tooth has broken on me. I had one break many years ago. My far left top molar. One day I happened to notice it was sharp. I wound up having it pulled since it was not a smile tooth and as it turns out they couldn't have saved it anyway. It shattered as they pulled it.
I try to take good care of my teeth. I am not perfect. I rarely floss but I do try. It's important to save your teeth.
Monday, December 5, 2016
What's moving without added stress?
Before I talk about the good stuff let's get the not so good stuff out of the way and trust that I am in fact quite happy regardless.
Three unique things went off track during moving.
When the idea of me first moving came up a good friend offered to help me move (I needed it because some things I can't do on my own), offering to take time from work to do so, I was naturally hopefully and delighted about this. However when the date was set and a Thursday it was heartbreakingly clear they were not going to help. No bother.
Another friend offered to help and take off work but I hadn't gotten a firm yes. So I asked a coworker who doesn't work at the hospital on Fridays. When I got confirmation from him I went and booked the moving truck.
Well Friend two did request off but wound up scheduled anyway. My coworker asked the day before if I could get the truck as early as possible because he had a family emergency come up.
I was shell shocked that my planning had gone south. I then asked one of my female friends who works evenings if she might be willing to help because I was up a creek. She said yes and wound up bringing two male friends. Thank you Jacki, you are a lifesaver.
The second and BIG frustration was getting the truck. When I had called to inquire about picking up the truck earlier on the 1st, Budget Mount Sinai told me they were still in the process of locating a truck for me and would call me back. By 6pm I had not heard anything so I called them and TJ let me know that an earlier time was not going to be possible because they had still not located a truck. Imagine my anxiety level at possibly having no help and no truck... He said no matter what I will have a truck but I may have to travel for it and he would call me in the morning.
I learned in the morning that I needed to pick the truck up in East Northport. This is a good 45 minutes out of my way which would be fine if the man working at Budget was remotely friendly. I picked up my truck and spent 15 minutes attempting to adjust the seat (it was stuck) and side mirrors which were not powered. Needless to say the right side view mirror was messed up the entire ride to my old apartment because I couldn't adjust it right. I tried.
Driving the truck was fun once I got used to it. I found the blind spot mirrors to be my best friend. I took out some curbs like a professional and stressed about tire damage but overall it was pretty awesome.
Returning the truck I asked a different female friend if she would come for the ride. I had a strong inclination that I may need to fight for the mileage refund I was told would be applied by TJ since the truck was supposed to be in Mount Sinai and much closer. Their computers had been down so he couldn't do it prior to transferring me to East Northport. I did have to fight a little for my refund and the man at this location was fairly grumpy until at some magical moment he lightened up. I often find my silly banter with friends can lighten up a room. It did and Budget ultimately did refund me 30 miles.
After this I know I will never rent from Budget again. The actual truck was great but the frustration of getting a truck on top of moving was not okay.
The final frustration was finding my AC on top of the fridge... Who does that???? In removing it, I dip drop it. I barely escaped being hit by it. I can lift the AC but not safely when it's above my head. I know it's white but it is not a microwave.
Those were the not so great things and my suggestion to skip using Budget truck rentals. I had been told the truck shortage was because UPS and FedEx had all the trucks. If that's the case then don't rent me a truck. Tell me you are booked. Sigh.
Sunday, December 4, 2016
It's been a terribly busy last few weeks. Thanksgiving was bonkers working two jobs and retail on Thursday and Friday, but this week I moved!
Not only did I move but I had the pleasure of seeing Chix 6 at La Mama theater for its last performance today.
At some point I will totally write about moving. The huge pluses and the frustrations because boy were there some. I started a post about working retail on Thanksgiving but I was too exhausted to finish.
I need to tell you all about Chix 6. I wish I had seen it back in 2011 during its original run. It hit home for me on so many levels I was a thought away from balling my eyes out in the theater. I cry at movies. I cry when other people are crying (including animated characters). Its a thing I do. It's an empath thing. I have never cried in the theater.
For now I must try to sleep in this mess of a place. Oddly I am mostly unpacked. The kitchen mess is mostly boxes. I also have things to bring to storage but I have to clear storage out before I can do that. This is why I have mass amounts of big empty boxes in the kitchen. Lol.
Tuesday, November 22, 2016
Monday, November 21, 2016
I finished painting my new apartment this evening. I fully intend to paint the trim at some point but definitely not now. One thing that is inherently bothersome is the dripping shower head. However, I realized that for me and my experiences, this is actually an exceptionally good thing.
Tuesday, November 15, 2016
It occurred to me that after a somber post, I should update on my current state.
Things are looking up. I still do not feel I have purpose but even without that I am better regardless. My retail job is helping a lot. Getting out and helping customers is pretty effective for me.
More so, I am finally moving. No more cricket infested apartment. I am really excited about my new apartment. I am more excited that I am not struggling to make the double 1st months rent.
It's a small studio, above ground, and the landlords are the sweetest. It's not really the amount of space I am looking for but I really liked the landlords. The area is nice and I know tons of people around. The hard part is getting someone to help me move on a THURSDAY. Thursday is the 1st and I want to be out of here as quick as I can. I fully intend to rent a truck and be out with one trip.
I don't have much furniture but a decent amount of boxes. I get to paint the new place. I intend to do the main area pale blue and the bathroom lavender. Currently the main room is an orange-yellow and the bathroom is pink. I love yellow but not on my walls and for some reason every apartment has yellow walls. I also like pink but it's a small bathroom and the pink is too much. It also will not match my bathroom stuff. I love painting too!
I very much feel like I have taken the first steps towards finding joy again.
Saturday, October 29, 2016
I have been working a lot lately and in many vital ways it's been helpful to my mental health.
However, in some not so much. I have been busy working a minimum of 60 hour weeks which means on some days I am not really around from 9am until midnight.
The good is that working retail is getting me out of the house where I would be sulking or sleeping. I am out and while I am doing stock and cleaning mostly, I get to interact with and help people. I love helping in general so helping customers gives me an amazing sense of self that I have been missing. Just being around people in a positive environment is helpful. Often my regular ailments vanish at the retail job because I am too distracted or pleased to care that a kidney stone has me in pain. I was in kidney stone pain yesterday. It kept moving around from my back to my front. It wasn't terrible pain thankfully.
The downside, that I have noticed over the last three weeks, is not hearing from those I care about. It's not anything new but it's more noticeable. When I do go on break, I have no one to talk to. When I am off work, no one to see. Plus the sad reality that when I reach out nothing happens and I have reached out.
I have come to this sad conclusion that I only have one friend that I can rely on and I am not around on the days I know I can contact him.
It's things like this. This isolation, lack of worth, and lack of feeling wanted that drives me deeper into depression. I know for a fact, if I went missing no one would look for me. That's a terrible place to be in emotionally.
I keep on most days and I don't know why. I keep pushing myself to be here when I am not of any real importance to anyone. I can be replaced at either job and those in my life wouldn't notice.
But luckily I am not in that place since life is not full of dread currently. My second job brings me a nice sense of genuine happiness and peace. It can't fix the holes in my heart but it's uplifting enough to keep me off the edge. I plan on keeping it after the holidays because of the positive effect it has.
I tried making plans for a movie night tonight, I tried making dinner plans three times last week, I tried having conversations with friends who don't return calls or texts, I am over trying.
Hopefully my next post will be a bit happier. Good things are happening they are just over shadowed by this cloud right now. I will get through it.