Tuesday, August 23, 2011

An Lfab Inspiration...

So even though I am tired I must have slept myself out or yet again I have fought myself awake into my night alertness.  No good.

Any who, a few days ago a good friend of mine blogged about fear and falling.  A piece of it was about her fears in pursuing goals in her life, fear of falling in love, and a fear of sharing her writing.  Everything thing she said about fear and falling was head on.  I try to live my life somewhat fearless; fearless but not reckless.  One thing I stopped doing several years ago (except on a rare occasion) is sharing my poetry.  Part of it is because I don't care to read other people poetry, even though I do from time to time.  It's mostly because it's just a touch too personal but she's inspired me to share a little and I though I might do it now while I have some guts again.

I actually found quite a few mostly from last year... bare with me...


Bruised Not Broken
2010-09-08


I am battered and bruised but I always come back for more
I enjoy licking my wounds and stand taller when sore
This small girl is not afraid to be stronger
She holds her own and tries that much harder
Pushing personal limits and struggling to pullover
It’s in the art of a sport I have found an unforgiving lover
The heat is draining but the adrenaline is sustaining
My heart pounds for more regardless of my throbbing
I climb to the platform no matter my exhaustion
I may be bruised but I am not broken
Flying high across the sky I have never known this type of liberty
This is home now, this is where I am truly free.


Bruised but not Broken is about flying trapeze.  It's sounds masochistic but in reality that's what circus and gymnastics is... painful.  But you wind up loving the pain because you earned each bruise and burn and if your lucky enough each one has a good story behind it.  I bruise very easily and wind up looking like a battered wife from the waist down.  Can't say I don't enjoy scaring people a little with the stories.

Flight
4-22-2011

Where ever the wind blows I will fly
I am not a fighter baby I will always chose the sky
Did you see a flash of my reflection
I am always changing direction
Never sure where to go
If its right now or no
Through my highs and lows
I won’t be here when you let me go
Not accepting of defeat
I will always retreat
When I catch the winds song
Well before you know I am gone
Where ever the wind blows I will fly
I am not a fighter baby I will always chose the sky


Best of Me
2010-8-6


They say things happen for a reason
There I was dancing and you came in seething
In my horror I continued to enjoy the show
You sat there glaring with your shots in a row
Taking it down as if I was too much to bear
Having a good time without you and you knew I’d be there
It’s no surprise that you couldn’t stay sober
Rehab did not change the mentality you harbor
Maybe they had you in for the wrong reasons
For addictions and not obsessive compulsions
You tried to pretend you wouldn’t act like a fool
But there you were practically falling off your stool
My friends kept close knowing my danger
Tried keeping me calm and closer to strangers
Convinced me to stay till the end of Ants show
After, I ran out like a cat in snow
Once I was gone you threatened the men
Not a tough you are you had to use your friend
Starting a fight you couldn’t step up to alone
Because like a child you attempt to intimidate with tone
If you thought this is how you win your girl back
You should know me better I don’t approve of attacks
I don’t enjoy being stalked, stared at, or watched
I am sorry but you plan was very much botched
I never liked being told what I could and could not achieve
Where I could go, who I could see, or when I could leave
I didn’t enjoy dodging hits and holds
I don’t think I could ever fit the family mold
As much as I tried that house was not my home
Inside it I was very afraid, cold and alone
All the while you had me believing
I was the problem and you were just helping
But now that I have been away from you for so long
I know what it feel like to be strong
I am a victim whether you believe me or not
I will always be healing and you will always be shot
From losing the best thing you have ever owned
Because that’s what I was to you; a possession, never a loan
But I thank you for bringing out the worst a man can be
Because I know who I am and it brought out the best of me.


Best of Me is about a very bad night I had in a bar that I refuse to return to.  An obvious run in with someone I would have preferred not seeing, but it's rhymed out so amazingly.  I think when I wrote this I didn't think I could rhyme that well.  I also enjoy the storytelling aspect of this.  Very different from my normal style.

A Lonely Happiness
7-12-2010


Secretly I hate spending my days alone
Yet I refuse to allow my loneness to isolate me
I tend to imagine someone with me
To compensate for my constant solitude
I continue to try to create a life for myself
One in which I am a comfortably free person
Seems to have been rather long journey
I have wandered and been very lost along the way
I am quite susceptible to falling into the rabbit holes
But as of late I am doing astoundingly well at weaving around them
Ignoring the whispers of false thought patterns
Somewhere I seem to have rediscovered some pieces of my past
The better past with sweet memories of a lost childhood
And with this I have set out to recreate the scenes I enjoyed years ago
It started on the bluffs continuing to beaches I had long forgotten
Being alone is somewhat bittersweet
I can become emerged in whatever peaks my interest
And not have to be so careful or rushed
Yet I would love someone to walk along with me
Though I doubt anyone could truly handle me outside of limited time spans
I hope these doubts I have become clear choices and routes
I have to learn to avoid the pitfalls of this wonderland that my life is
I have already met the hatter and realized I fell for the suicide king
And it’s easy for friends to become vicious flower beds
Things get so fuzzy around madness and liars that I can’t see, speak, or hear clear
So I keep to myself and I stay strong knowing that I am happy
And that happiness is not relying on anyone but me
I am creating it, I am inventing it, I have become it all alone, just me.


This poem is actually about when I started hiking again and it bringing me back to a lost piece of my childhood free from mess my life was at the time when I wrote this.  I enjoy the wonderland references, they were very fitting for what I was going through.

One Year Later…
2010-07-26


It’s been a year since I walked away and pulled the plug
On what you mistakenly called love
It’s true that one doesn’t know the strength they own
Until it’s all they have left to survive on
It took me too long to close the door
But I couldn’t wait for you to change anymore
I couldn’t take anymore of the pain
I would have preferred sleeping in the pouring rain
Then laying in the same home as you
Because at night I never knew
What to expect in this American Dream façade
I found this house extremely flawed
Emotional abuse leaves no visible bruising
So most would think I sound accusing
When we live in secret it’s hard to tell the reality
Because it’s hard for those living it to see
Until they remove themselves and start to believe
That they can find the strength to be free
The road of freedom and recovery
Has been very rocky
But it’s been worth every ounce of suffering and affliction
Because I no longer have to bear the burden of your addiction
One year later and I am still recovering
Still watching my back but with less anxiety and panicking
I am standing with confidence that I never owned until now
I have finally found myself and it was not you that show me how
I have taken steps to becoming the leader in my existence
Despite the obstacles and personal resistance
One year later and I find myself smiling through happy tears
For all the heartache, lies, money, and fears
Could only hold me back for a moment
I will always break free from torment
I am no parrot, no puppet, nothing that can be confined or duplicated
I am not manufactured, molded, or created
I am myself and that alone causes a smile to break
Across my unpolished and beautiful face
Because I found out how to love and embrace my inner splendor
Something you can’t comprehend or ignore
One year later and I am finally becoming more of me
I am finally learning what it feels like to be free.


I like these poems because of the theme of personal perseverance, growth, and change.  No matter what your situation is and no matter how hard it may seem or how far off into the future it may be you can change your situation.  You can.  I am a poster child for it.  I went through almost two years of recovering from a bad situation and I am not sure there will ever be a time I am not recovering in someway.

These are the brighter and not schmaltzy of my writing or at least from what I opened up.  I do write love poems from time to time and the majority of my writing is very dark because I write more when I am upset.  I haven't written much at all this year so I guess that is a good thing.  :o)

Thank you Miss Lauren F for being my inspiration in posting this.

And now definitely to bed... for sure.

2 comments:

  1. Beautiful Alisha! So touched that I could inspire you, and thank you for the continuing inspiration and stories of strength you share with the world!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks Lauren... I am not sure how long I will keep this up. :o)

    ReplyDelete

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