Saturday, January 14, 2012

Off Topic: Distracting Thoughts and Flakes... :/

I am sitting here eating dinner, watching Thundercats, and getting ready to cut fabric.  I wish I felt more settled then I actually am right now. 

Most of the time I keep myself fairly busy in thought so I don’t get to find myself in this place, but sometimes, like now, it’s unavoidable.  I am even having a hard time paying attention to the show I am trying to watch because my mind keeps filtering out to where I don’t want it to go.

I keep thinking about people that say the right thing or have intentions and do not follow through (or flakes).  I don’t understand why people tend to lead me to believe they will be somewhere (on time), want to participate in an activity, want to go to a show with me, etc… yet they always back out, show up crazy late, or not at all.  Why even tell me you want to do these things if you’re not serious about it?

It happens most of the time with trapeze and not from my trapeze friends.  Often friends from other social groups verbally indicate to me that they would like to come for a class and try it out or come and see us practice.  This happens often yet (other then my family once) no one ever follows through.  I don’t get it.  I am more then excited to bring people with me.  I will even drive them there.  So why has every single person flaked out when the time comes around?  It’s happened often and it breaks my heart every time, so I don’t let anyone do this to me more then once.  If you say you want to come I will invite you once.  If you don’t show up or even RESPOND when I ask you about it, I won’t ever invite you again.  Bottom line.

It makes me feel devalued and worthless when people do this.  Why be all excited about it and then let me down?  Why?  I certainly do not like feeling low at a class because believe it or not it will affect my performance and I will be distracted in thought while I am trying to learn because you didn’t make good on your word.  It’s because of having so many people like this in my life (clearly, since it‘s everyone and anyone) and not enjoying this feeling, that I really do try to make good on my own word.  I will never intentionally do this to someone else regardless of whether or not they do it to me.  My word is as good as gold and you better bet if I said I will do something, be somewhere, or want to do something I REALLY DO.  I mean what I say and I will be there.  If by chance I say maybe it’s honestly because something else might be going on and I can’t remember what it is.

It’s happening with cons as well.  I keep trying to make plans to go to shows with people and no one can give me a clear answer.  Or I have an answer and when I go to take action on it the plans have changed and I am no longer a part of it.  A show is coming up that I was toying around with the idea of going but no one wanted to include me (and I did ask).  So I am not going and everyone else is.  As much as I want people to have a good time I know I am going to be sitting at home ridiculously jealous the entire time.  Just like I am right now and just like I have been before.

In situations like this I tend to want to just back out and throw in the towel.  It really and honestly makes me want to quit cosplay and have nothing to do with this industry at all.  I don’t like the feeling of jealously and I only get it when I feel highly left out and often and in some cases by the same people that flake out on me constantly (which makes it so much worse).  It makes me question my own self-worth and how I obviously lack value to those involved.  It’s rather painful to go through and it’s really not worth it to me.  If all cosplay is going to do it is get me upset I would rather not anymore.

I am already ditching Dragon*Con as of now because of some small complications, but also because I was invited to Ocean City where I know I won’t be by myself at all and with the two people in my life that are 100% not flakes.  The two events are not taking place at the same time so technically I could still do both.

It’s situations like these that make me distance myself from people.  I don’t enjoy feeling like a last option and I have been spending more and more time recently just being alone and leaving my phone off because I don’t like being teased with thoughts of decent people to find out they are just going to ditch me anyway when it gets down to it.  Anyone that has been in an argument with me or gotten to this side of me knows I can be very extreme in how I deal with pain caused by others.  I will shut off contact like flipping a switch, completely, and for the most part I won’t look back and I won’t ever think of you the same again.  If someone lets me down once, they will do it again and again and again.  I have gotten to a point where I am either prepared for the rug to be pulled by these people or it has happened often enough or big enough to completely disassociate.

"Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great. When you are seeking to bring big plans to fruition, it is important with whom you regularly associate. Hang out with friends who are like-minded and who are also designing purpose-filled lives. Similarly, be that kind of a friend for your friends."
- Mark Twain

Oddly enough this is one of the quotes from The Daily Love’s email this morning which is almost tailored to what’s bothering me.  As I have said before these emails tend to happen like this for me.  Thing is I try very hard to be that friend yet I find very few people are and it’s very sad to me.  I tend to always feel like I am lifting those around me up and carrying their weight and baggage while they push me down.

This whole blog is only a piece of a bigger puzzle.  It’s not the whole story.  I also realize in writing this that I have not spoken directly to those that have set off this little bout of jealously that is because I would rather not create a  bigger problem by acting on jealously.  I can be quite vicious with words (I am not in denial of that) but I chose to use them only when I have made a clear decision that they are warranted which is not now.  So please excuse my moment of weakness where I needed to let it out a little by stating what’s bothering me.  Often I need to write things out to feel less stifled by my less then stellar thoughts.

For those that have been trying to get a hold of me.  I haven’t been talking to anyone recently.  Please do not take it personally.