Tuesday, January 24, 2012

The Ying and The Yang, Happiness and Sadness...

Well thus far it has been a busy week (as it will continue to be) trickling off of last week with highs and lows, happiness and sadness, but all with a strange balance.

The good things are having my cars headlights properly fixed, my student loans being completely paid off, some fun shopping, watching the first season of The Big Bang Theory, the new US release of blind bag ponies, having a package delivered today with some older G4 and G3.5 ponies, weekly trapeze classes, and a trip to the Philly.

The sad thing has been dealing with someone I have known for years passing away.  Technically it happened last Friday.  I got to be the person to take the phone call though I did not know that is what it was.  So in the middle of all these great things there is great sadness and I now have a wake and a memorial to attend this week that is going to be very heavy hearted.

I have this thing about death where it doesn't phase me except in shocking exceptions.  Wakes and funerals have never bothered me and I have yet to shed a tear at one though I have almost slipped up.  I have a hard time crying in public regardless of the situation.  I look at death as a piece of life.  People come and go and we either chose to learn from them and grow with them or not.  I am so used to people coming and going that I guess it doesn't affect me much or maybe I just deal much differently.

However, as I get older these social gatherings are becoming harder.  Not because I can't deal with death but because I keep growing closer to those around me and I somewhat lack the ability to help those I care about cope but I try.

This one that I will be at this week is going to be exceptionally difficult due to the history I have with the family and the mass amounts of people I have in common with this person on top of things she has done for me that I cannot elaborate on publicly.

As usual I chose to not visit her fully know I may not have a future opportunity.  It may sound selfish, but I am told my reasoning is quite sound and normal, but when people I have a connection with are at that stage of illness I chose to not visit them because I don't want my last memory of that person to be one of sickness.  When my grandmother passed away on 11/21/02, I was being taken to Maine to visit her before it happened and with out saying it I was hoping for what inevitably happened.  She passed before we got there.  I just did not want to see her in the physical condition she was described as being in that's not how I wanted to remember her and I know she knows I loved her regardless.

I have also gotten to that point in my life where wakes have become the gathering where those from near and far join together.  I don't think what they say about weddings and funerals are true because weddings are invite only, but funerals it's amazing how everyone reaches out to one another in a large somber version of telephone.  It really does amaze me and the amount of people that respond from all aspects of a persons life.  The person meaning both the deceased and the family members.  It's a strange web-like outreach that I can't quite describe properly.

Today is also the one year anniversary of my friend Nick Lastorka's passing.  I still cannot bring myself to delete his cell phone number nor can I believe it has been a year since the accident.  I mentioned him once before in a previous blog, but I had posed for him for a watercolor painting based on a suicide girl photo he had seen.  The idea was to elaborate the back muscles.  Obviously, that painted was never made.

So for all the happiness I have there is still quite a bit of heavy sadness to balance it out.  Nothing is ever perfect and without sadness there is no happiness so I accept contentment for now.

"Begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end; then stop."
~ Lewis Carrol, Alice in Wonderland ~

No comments:

Post a Comment

Well hello there lovely, please leave a comment!