Thursday, February 9, 2012

What a week... this is a mouthful.

What a week it has been.  I am more then ready for it to be over.  Unfortunately next week will be test of my nerves as I start training staff on how to use a computer system I helped develop over the last year.  I have never been a public speaker.  This will be interesting.

So this week has been chock full of stress.  From fading friendship, to work deadlines, to personal deadlines, to doctors visits, to food poisoning, to my EBV possibly kicking my butt again, to canceled weekend plans… a lot.  Ugg.

Last Friday I over indulged in seafood salad that was made by friends of mine and I got pretty sick.  When I drive out to Brooklyn for trapeze class I try to always stop at Subway and get a 6.”  This way I know I have some fuel since I am driving during dinner time and by time I get into Brooklyn I won’t have the time to digest.  So I have an early lunch/dinner.  I asked the man at Subway to cut my 6” in half.  Sometimes I can’t finish the 6” but I like to at least know I ate half of it and I will save the other half for after class.  I force fed myself that half sandwich which is odd because I normally gobble up Subway no problem.  Eating was making me queasy so I stopped.  We had an unusual class as our instructor was rehearsing.  Wendy and I agreed to share the truss rental cost with our instructor and other performers so we could at least get some practice in for the week.

Not wanting to fall off the trapeze or doing anything stupid I took it pretty easy last weekend knowing I didn’t eat enough before class and something wasn’t right.  I still got a lot in and I had a massive bruise on my thigh to prove it.  It look like I had been hit with a baseball bat hard enough that a baseball grew in the area that had been hit.  The following day every time I moved my leg I could feel the bruise move and whine with pain from the impact of my foot hitting the floor and I am a soft walker.  When not in clickity shoes no one hears my footsteps.  I think we really kicked it out on the on bar and below bar moves.

Driving home from Brooklyn right after getting on to the LIE I almost got sick in the car.  I thought at the time I might have pushed myself too hard in class since I am not fully recovered from EBV either or I am not cleared yet anyway.  I never asked my doctor about returning to trapeze either.  I just decided if I am going to be stuck with this then it’s not going to kill my fun.

Saturday I went out to some stores and started getting shooting pains in my stomach.  After a few hours of this it dawned on me that I must have gotten some food poisoning from the seafood salad.  I don’t eat much seafood and the last time I had food poisoning was from ceaser salad dressing that had anchovies in it.  I know that it was these two items because when I get food poisoning I stop eating after having that food item.  When I got sick from the ceaser I was at a friends baby shower (I was also the only person who got sick) and I was annoyed with myself because I couldn’t even force feed myself any of the food directly after having the ceaser.  Just like how I couldn’t eat my Subway sandwich that and I kept tasting ceaser dressing for the rest of the day.  With the anchovies I had a really bad reaction that left me literally crawling around my apartment because every few minutes it felt like a porcupines’ quilt was being wrapped around and squeezing my insides, like a million mini knives stabbing in every direction.  I had a similar but much milder pain Saturday.  It dawned on me like de ja vu, why does this stabbing pain feel familiar?  OMG, the seafood this is seafood food poisoning or sensitivity.  It also could explain why I choked on vegetables before going out Saturday morning.  Yes CHOKED.  I live alone.  Choking when you live by yourself is not fun.  My panic as I tried to get a beverage open (because I close lids way too tight) was real.  I had an over cooked soft Italian green bean stuck in my throat and I couldn’t do anything about it but panic for a what felt like much too long.  My girlfriend Mel suggested I see an allergist.  I might just do that.  If that was a swollen throat I don’t want to experience that again.

I made it home from my morning adventures in pain and went to sleep.  I slept all day.  I tried talking to a friend of mine about it, because sometimes when I am sick, scared, or hurting it helps to talk to people regardless of the topic.  All I need to hear is “are you okay?” or something along that line but it was like talking to a wall.  So I stopped trying completely.  It really made me question this person as a character in my life and whether they are meant to be in it.  At present time, I think not.  I need people that do care about my well being as much as I care about theirs.  I had hoped to spend Saturday baking for Superbowl but I was much to sick to do so.  I actually wound up buying store bought cookies.  I mean it would have hurt me to try and who would want a sick person baking their cookies anyway?

Monday I got super stressed at work to the point I actually got one of my bosses upset enough to walk away from me because that person couldn’t deal with me at that moment.  I felt awful.  I also realized I had gone from 0 to 90 in stress level like a flash flood.  I felt as though I literally had a temper tantrum.  This is not me.  What the hell is wrong with me?  I don’t act like that.  I get upset yes, and I can be pretty nasty when fired up enough, but this was not that kind of situation.  This was me randomly flipping out over something really simple.  I apologized repeatedly and then we worked on the project that had set me off.  I left for the day feeling deflated and like an awful person.  Why did that happen? 

When I went into work Tuesday I still felt awful.  I didn’t slept well and I woke up feeling off.  I felt as though my karma had been tarnished by the previous days tantrums and even though my boss had said everything was fine I still felt off.  After work Tuesday I pretty much passed right out and woke up at 5am bright eyed, busy tailed and as though nothing stressful or upsetting was burdening me.  Wednesday proved to be a pretty good day.  I sorted out all my laundry in the morning and dropped it off at the Laundromat.  I usually hate letting anyone but me touch my laundry, but I have been so exhausted and off that I just didn’t have the mental capacity to think about doing laundry.  It also had to get done Wednesday.  I got to work early enough to get my EBV blood work done.  I told the lady in admitting how I was being retested because the previous blood work had been run through the wrong test and my doctor could not read it.  She was not sure which test the doctor was ordering and asked me to verify what she put in with the lab.  I did and it turns out she put the wrong one in.  I also mentioned the previous mishap to the lady taking my blood.  She was surprised because they usually verify against the script.  I say these things happen and it’s not a big deal.  I was just surprised and curious if there was something I could tell them in admitting to prevent this from happening again since I am probably looking at more blood work in the future.  It’s funny how all the people involved were much more concerned about the prior mistake and the order mistake then I was.  As long as it can be corrected and it’s not life threatening I don’t care.

After work, I picked up my laundry and headed out to get a way over due oil change.  I was supposed to be driving to Philly this weekend and I thought risking another long drive might be a bad idea.  I went to Wal-Mart.  I know it’s a car sin and I felt off about it the second I got there.  I went there because of convenience.  I like to use STS but they only take appointments during my work hours or it’s first come first serve on Saturday morning at 7:30am.  I am not a morning person and since having EBV less so.  It’s been tough for me to get to STS.  So I went the easy route and took it to Wal-Mart.  The second I walked into the Automotive entrance it was weird.  No staff in sight.  So I went inside to the register area.  Again no staff.  I waited and waited and waited, looked around to see not a speak of motion in the car bay.  The phone kept ringing and eventually automotive was paged to answer the phone and someone appeared from in the car bay.  I am not sure where since I did take a look a good peer through the area.  I set everything up with the man, gave him my keys, and went about wandering the store for 30 minutes.  The price check scanners were removed from the walls so I couldn’t actually check to see if the car was done or not.  Eventually I wandered back to automotive and the car was done but the guy behind the desk said I had to pay up front because they couldn’t ring by them which I knew was bull.  So I went upfront and seriously confused a cashier who had to call a manger over to make sure she rang it up correctly.  The manger even said they should be ringing me up at automotive and it was bull.  I wandered back to automotive to no one at the desk AGAIN.  I stood there for ten minutes until the guy wandered back to give me my key which was covered in filth.  Wal-Mart puts a little white barcode sticker around the key and the white barcode was black.  I get that it’s a mini “auto shop” and all, but STS never returns my key looking like that.  So far no probs with the car either because of course I looked under the car this morning to make sure I wasn’t leaking oil over night.  I hear all sorts of horror stories about them not replacing caps.  I also heard today that they use recycled oil.  Umm…. I think I will be going back to STS next time no matter what.

I slept awful last night.  I had a hard time falling asleep even though I was dead tired.  I woke up a few time either shivering cold or melting hot (with out touching the thermostat).  I had some bizarre dreams.  Anxiety I guess.

Today I had my follow up appointment with my breast surgeon.  When it comes to certain things I act like a work horse and I keep going and doing what I have to until I get to a certain point.  Today was that point.  My surgeon is only in the office while I am at work so I had to leave in the middle of the day and then come back.  Of course the beginning of the day started off with lots of stress.  It’s just how it happens.  It’s always when I am already stressed because I am on a time constraint EVERYONE needs something from me.  It’s not their fault, it just happens that way.  However, in that first hour and a half at work I got a lot accomplished.

My appointment for the surgeon was at 10:15.  I was there at 10.  Back in July when I first saw this surgeon I got to the appointment just before my appointment time and I was rushed through paperwork and wisked into the patient area so fast I didn’t have a chance to think about why I was there.  I also remember the secretary not being friendly.  This time the same secretary was absolutely wonderful and sweet.  This time I did not have to fill out paperwork and I felt completely unprepared for this appointment.  Mentally I had told myself I was getting another needlepoint biopsy.  Basically my one fibroid is now four fibroids and the radiologist that did my ultrasound had suggested another biopsy.  In reality all four should have the procedure done, but I could barely handle having one the last time.  Its because I did not know what I was in for at this appointment that I HAD to get the laundry done yesterday.  If I was to have a biopsy I wouldn’t be allowed to lift for a few weeks.  So I wouldn’t be able to life my laundry to bring it to and from the Laundromat.

So there I was at 10am in the waiting room and there I stayed until 10:30am.  Giving me lots of time to mentally freak out.  By the time Lisa called me into the patient area I was almost in tears.  I really do not want to have another biopsy and I really did not want one today.  Lisa brought me into the room and gave me a few instructions and inside I kept freaking out.  Where was my tough face?  Where?  My surgeon came in and did her exam and looked at the slides with me.  She told me that each of the fibroids should have a biopsy done, because there is no other way to make sure that they are in fact fibroids.  What would make this loads easier would be if I knew my family history, but I don’t.  When I do ask family about family health issues no one seems to know anything.  Not knowing family history makes it harder.  I really didn’t want that biopsy so she let me off the hook until July.  She set me up for another ultra sound and monitor them that way for now.  I don’t like that it seems I am going to have to go through this every six months now.  I honestly though after last July’s biopsy I would go to the six month and everything would be fine and I would be in the clear.  In a way it makes me wish I had not gone to the doctor in the first place last summer.  Kind of like I brought this on myself.  I don’t want to go through this emotional mess every six months.  It’s not fun.

Granted I didn’t exactly get bad news at the surgeon and I should have been thrilled not to have the biopsy I was still emotionally retarded.  I then found out my weekend plans I was really looking forward too were being canceled.  When we had made those plans I thought to myself this will be perfect to perk me back up after the surgeon, but things happen and I am still going to see my friends perform in a volunteer circus show Friday night.  Regardless when I pulled back into the parking lot at work I did a stellar job of choking back a serious cry.  Even right now I really want to burst out in tears.  Overload!  Overload!

So how does any normal girl cheer herself up after a dismal week?  Retail therapy of course!  This doesn’t always do the job for me, but it fixed my tail this evening.  I am in stores often lately, but I am not often actually buying anything.  I try very hard to be a thrifty shopper.  I am down with thrift stores and I have been spending a lot of time in dollar stores lately.  The dollar stores have more to do with looking for ankle support spats that everyone tells me are in dollar stores.  Well I have been to about eight different dollar stores in a little over a week and none of them had these spats.  None.  Anyway, this is an awesome time of year to be in stores because everything goes on sale.  I picked up a pair of shoes that I thought were 50% bringing them to $20 and when at the register they were actually 70% off!  Yay!  I found stretch pleather pants PERFECT for X-23.  So I do not think I will be making the pants after all.  I bought my first pair of skinny jeans (on sale).  I know I am a little behind the times on those.  I just always thought my legs looked funny in them, but since wearing tights in trapeze I have started to like the look on me.  Found a cute shirt for $5.  Picked up some mittens for 62 cents, a really cute felt bird barrette for 50% off, and a MUPPETS T-Shirt!  I think retail therapy is much more effective for me when I am getting lots of bargains.  Much more satisfying and flipping through the chaotic racks certainly takes ones mind off of things.

It’s better that I am not going to Philly anyway.  I really do have a lot of things to do and I could use the weekend to relax before heading into training all these people for the next two weeks.  It’s still a bummer though.  So now my weekend will consist of the circus show, and getting some of the things that have been shoved aside accomplished.  I have quite a few eBay MLP’s to clean up.  There are lots of movies sitting here waiting to be watched.  I have had to steer clear of DVD sections because on my The Big Bang Theory Target search last week I detoured one too many times.  I still need to start Fluttershy.  I would like to get cracking on X-23 since I think that one is going to be much easier to make, but I can’t find a cheap decent longline bra!  I decided this is how I am going to make the top.  I did find a few longlines today between Joyce Leslie and Mandee’s.  Joyce Leslie didn’t not have my size nor did they look like that would have fit correctly.  Mandee’s had two both poorly cut.  Problem is I need something somewhat sturdy.  I know a store I can get a sturdy cheap bra at but when I went there today their fitting room was closed for construction.  The idea is to take this longline bra and cover it with black spandex, hence cheap.  Why buy something expensive to destroy it?  I am also trying to find a gold bra to sew inside of an Alice costume my girlfriend gave me.  I need it to be gold (or red actually) because the bra will show at the top and I want it to look like it belongs there.  Now I am thinking about using an old one and covering it up since I still have both red fabric and red spandex laying around…. Hmmm….

Anyway, while I was driving home from my retail therapy I started thinking about how long it has been since I have seen the sunset.  Considering I spent a big portion of the summer of 2010 hiking and taking photos I saw a lot of sunsets.  I think I saw only one last summer and it’s sad.  If it’s nice enough this weekend and I feel inspired to do so I might just take a hike and watch the sunset preferably at a beach.  I love the sunset at the beach.  If I get really crazy I might wind up driving to Orient or Montauk, being at the very end of the island and staring out at the ocean does a number to clear my mind.  However, I am not sure it's warm enough to be at either right now.

Here’s hoping tomorrow and in to next week gets better.  In reality nothing really bad happened this week except me being off my rocker.  Let’s hope I don’t want to quit my job again anytime soon because I was seriously considering it early this week.  One of my dreams is to move to Queens or Brooklyn and to do that I really need to have a job out that way so quitting my current job could push me to do that, but that’s crazy talk since quitting would just mess up my resume.  So even though I think about it when my stress level hit’s the roof I am definitely not going to quit.  If anything maybe I will conquer that dream and commute for a bit.  You know, when I have a better car.  ;o)