Saturday, February 18, 2012

Why I Want to Quit Cosplay...

I have been very down the last two to three weeks.  I mean very very down.  Deeply upset, depressed and feeling completely worthless.  I am not sure exactly why, but I know I really need to start sticking to a lifestyle that keeps me motivated to be happy.  Up until a few hours ago I was ready to spend my entire weekend laying in bed moopy, sick, useless, and unloved.

I left for my trapeze class today at 4:30pm and sat through over two hours of holiday traffic to get to class feeling ridiculously sick and unwilling to cancel class.  For the most part Wendy and I are there regularly but we don’t always have a third student.  My instructor needs two students to teach class, so if I cancel Wendy’s class gets canceled and unless I am so physically ill I cannot come to class I won’t cancel.  I had classes canceled last year because of one student dropping out and it can be frustrating as a student that really wants to learn.  So I didn’t cancel.  I went and expected to drag my butt through class with the awesome nausea and strange pain I have been having.

What really makes me love trapeze is both the great friends I have made and that one great class solves all my problems.  There is absolutely nothing like being able to finally do a trick on your own that you’ve been working on or saw in a show or on you tube.  Nothing like it.  I left class today feeling better then I have in weeks, laughing, smiling, feeling 100% better health wise, and sad to see it end.  My complete and total mood change made sitting through all that traffic worth it, because believe me when I was going 5 mph I was ready to turn around and I am so glad I didn't.  I successfully did several keys.  I actually was able to do a full more powerful double beat into a pullover a few times.  I even did a two legged monkey roll for the very first time.  It was really hard to do and gave me a head rush.  Mel, Wendy and I practiced on our own for a bit and taught each other.  I did a back star without going frogger for the first time since I have been back to class.  We are getting to a point where we can sort of figure out new tricks.  I wanted to try doing an amazon, but my instructor actually advised me against it for now.    I still want to learn that trick, Flag, and a pullover thread through.  =D

Here’s the thing, I have been sick.  I have had Epstein Barr since September (possibly as early as August).  I know this because I had a conversation with my Step Dad about how much I was sleeping early September and it had been going on for a few weeks.  So here I am in February and, while the Mono is gone, the EBV remains.  I just got lab results back this past Monday and I was told to expect at least another two months.  That’s EIGHT months of this and it’s not uncommon for it to last a year.  In the meantime I am trying my hardest to still have a life and not over do it with the physical or emotional stress.

Cosplay has been a huge source of stress for me that has been building.  While I enjoy being in costume at the shows I am no longer enjoying the creation, the politics, or dealing with body issues.

This weekend my cosplaying friends are all in Orlando and it is exactly why I was super depressed today, because I feel extremely left out and as though I hold absolutely no value as a friend or community member.  I have been thinking about quitting cosplay for a good month now, but this killed me and did me in.  I doubt it’s intentional on anyone’s part but for something like this to knock me down in the way it has makes cosplay not worth it to me at all.  I enjoy cosplay, but I can’t continue to enjoy something that is fleeting and causes super lows for me.  Of course it's a little more complicated then this, but I can't go into details.

I am not a competitive person.  I am not in anything for glory.  I am not trying to make money.  I am just trying to make friends and have fun and right now this is NOT fun.  This is also not the first or second time something like this has happened.  Weeks ago I had planned on working on both X-23 and Fluttershy this weekend and I still might but all my passion has been wiped clean from this at the moment.

I may still cosplay, but on a much smaller scale and through commissions.  At this point and time after X-23 and Fluttershy are done I do not plan on creating any more costumes.  I plan on going through with X-23 and Fluttershy because I already committed to them.  I am still planning on attending NYCC this year (and every year) and WW Philly (more for all the awesome 90’s stars coming, squeal!!!!).  I have not made a decision on iCon just yet as I still need to pick up a floor buddy.  I am pretty sure I am not going to Dragon*Con as my roommate dropped out and I have not been able to find another, but that is okay.

I am hoping with less focus on cosplay creation and drama, and more focus on trapeze and my almost forgotten nature photography I will be happier in the long run.  I will certainly be more fit from all the trapezing and hiking.  I am also hopefully starting yoga in a few weeks.  Yoga should help a lot.

I am planning on returning to flying trapeze over the summer and continuing static on the weekends.  Plus we were asked to be in a show in May.  So excited about that.  Hopefully, I will be purchasing my very OWN static trapeze shortly.  This way I can practice at a rig when ever I feel like spending the money to do so.  I am wondering if gymnastic studios near me have a rigging system I could use.

In the meantime, I am still sincerely waiting for this weekend to be over with.  I plan on spending a little time reading, going to see Ghost Rider, possibly sewing, and most definitely trying to ignore both my phone and the internet until Monday, except for the game Bubble Witch Saga (I am obsessed right now).
Super blurry candlestick, yay!  Super excited and happy me, yay!

Key.  I like this one, but boy does it hurt those thighs.

Favorite picture of the day... that is a real smile.

Oh and don’t fret, the blog will definitely still be going.  Without cosplay creation, I will have more time (and money) for blogging and comic reading.  :o)