Monday, April 9, 2012

One Dream Turns Me Upside Down

So I honestly do not remember dreaming last night.  Not one bit.  I remember being very restless and waking up feeling as though I had not slept at all (maybe the bed in Cortland was just too comfy).  However, a someone walked by me today and all the sudden I remembered a piece of a dream I had last night.  A very small short piece but a very clear and vivid one.

My dream:
I am standing on a sidewalk in an industrial area (most likely in the city) it's sunny, the sky is bright blue and the cement around me is a clean and light shade of gray.  I smell a cologne I know very well. I never remember scents in my dreams.  For a change I am liking the scent and think of an old boyfriend of mine.  I turn around and he is walking down the sidewalk behind me.  This is followed by a huge friendly hug and conversation.

That is all I remember other then I remember him looking very well, healthy, and dressed as he always did.

All day long this has been stuck in my head.  I contemplated calling him (as I have in the past many times), instead today I finally broke down and texted him.  Who knows, his number could have changed, but it has not.  I did not delete his number and he did not delete mine.

We talked for a few minutes today and I honestly thought I would never want to talk to him again but I enjoyed chatting with him.  I have been pretty lost since he moved across the country.

This was a guy that changed me and surprisingly for the better which was not expected of him.  In a lot of ways he helped me heal from quite a bit of my past.  If it were not for him I would have never started trapezing and without trapeze I would never have cosplayed and therefor this blog would not exist either.  I wouldn't know all of the amazing supportive friends I know now.

He still is the ONLY person who has ever been willing and able to talk me out of a full blown panic attack at any given moment.  I had dated him several months after leaving an emotionally abusive relationship and my anxiety was sky high.  Yesterdays attack was a mini one.  PTS is something that can gradually lessen as time goes on, but what set me off yesterday was minor hence mini attack.  I have had many many people say they will be there if I need them and rarely are, this guy always was.

He never made promises he couldn't keep.  He never pretended to be interested in something to appease me.  He never even lied to me.  Never, even when I would have preferred he did (though I am happy he didn't).  Very strange considering the outward appearance this guy had and his back story that I will not go into.

It wasn't an ideal relationship and it wasn't perfect, but for a change someone I was dating understood me completely.  To this day he is the only person I have ever been able to talk to openly about anything and everything.  Including things about myself I don't like to think about and I never ever felt ugly in his presence even when I might have been acting awful and angry.  He never made me feel anything less then beautiful.  That alone is something I think many men need to figure out how to do.

I truly do owe him a lot of thanks and I am pretty excited to tell him all the things that have happened in the last two years and basically what I just wrote.  It's amazing where we both were and where we are now, both closer to goals that seemed so unattainable.  Because we are both very private people with certain things I shall keep mum on the details... but isn't it amazing what dreams can do?

After looking at a dream guide and what happened today I think it's pretty clear it was time we talked.