Thursday, November 22, 2012


Happy Thanksgiving!

Truth be told, I am not dealing as well this year as I did last year on Thanksgiving.  So much so that I tried to forget about the holiday as I used to.  Even that did not work this year.  I am still not myself and not okay, but I will persevere in the end.

So I stayed home today.  I stayed home by myself.  I folded laundry.  I took a long nap.  I watched lots of classic Muppet episodes.  I also spent way to much time online (and I still am).

I appreciate my friends offering their homes and families to me on the holidays.  I really do.  It may sound a bit selfish but it winds up putting a tough emotional toll on me.  I didn't even hear from my family today, but I didn't reach out either so I can't really get too twisted about it.  I did hear from quite a few friends.  Some I was surprised to hear from and other surprised I didn't hear from, but again I haven't contacted anyone.  I have a hard time even saying Happy Thanksgiving.  I kept telling people to have a good holiday.

I would be up for a Friendsgiving.  Maybe someday one of those will happen.

Reality is, I am not happy.  Two of my girlfriends called me out on it last weekend.  They are right.  I am not happy.  I can be a positive person, a kind person, a friendly person, without being a happy person.  Lately, I am so exhausted from days of keeping up a happy front that I break down in the evening.  I haven't been happy for awhile.

Today was a nice break where I didn't need to put up any mask.  I got just be, for a change.

It's so hard to explain especially publicly.   It's not something I think many people can wrap their head around.  My family is very much disperse and none of them local.  Monday was the 10 year anniversary of my Grandfathers passing and Tuesday was the 9 year anniversary of my Grandmothers.  After my grandmother passed away what was bad got worse.  Caused a lot of change most of it for the better and a lot of heart ache.  So maybe I just have an aversion to the holiday because of the changes that accompanied it and this year with it being so close to the dates they passed away.

Plus all those pictures of turkeys makes me want to be a vegetarian again.  I basically am one but I love chicken and a good burger (or filet migon).

I do hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving.  Mine was nontraditional but enjoyable for me.

Who saw the parade?  What did you like?  What didn't you like?  The Broadway skits did not impress me.  I liked seeing Kermit.