Saturday, December 8, 2012

Holiday Down...

Hi everyone.

Very sorry about the lack of posts.  This holiday season has really knocked me down.  In fact, I was just about fast asleep last night when I started crying and that's no way to fall asleep.

I am regretting putting up the tree.  Even though I don't mind it and I still like it, I am seriously thinking of taking it down very soon.  If it's lucky, it will remain up to see tomorrow, but I could very easily go to town taking everything off of it and placing them neatly into bags for storage.

As I wrote on Thanksgiving, I am not happy where I am in life right now.  I am grateful for all the things I do have, who I am, and the lessons life has taught me, but I am not happy.  I am not happy or fulfilled in all aspects on my life.

The only thing bringing me any source of joy is aerials and I know I can't place all my happiness there as I am bound to have bad days training and have been having quite a few that were big let downs but putting up a tough happy face despite this.  I know I am ready to crack though.  The bright side is I may have found an aerial gym very close to me so I can train more frequently.

Holidays are always very hard for me to get through in general, but this year seems to be the worst I have been in years.  I haven't been this depressed in a very long time.  I very much want to just vanish.

I am hoping I knock out of it after the holidays.  For now I know I have lots of tearful nights coming up.  There are a lot of things going on that I can't talk about and not being able to talk honestly to anyone about it is destroying me in a special torturous way.

Today I have a holiday party and I am not feeling very up to it, but I am going.  I may not stay, but I am going.  I adore my friends but even last year I wasn't up for it and fought myself and stayed.  This year I am not so sure.

Next year, the tree is not going up unless there is some massive change in my life.