Monday, July 1, 2013

Trapeze Dilemma

I have not written about trapeze in a long time and that's because it's become a bit of a dilemma.

It's not easy to balance trapeze with costuming and I usually set aside one day on the weekend for each. Recently it became difficult to find an available teacher or training space for trapeze that fit with my costuming schedule. I was trying ridiculously hard to make them work together and it was causing more stress then fun. Both of my hobbies are fun they shouldn't cause me to stress this much.  Hobbies are for fun and relaxation not something that should stress me to the point that I feel ill.

However, with my costuming schedule being so busy it has been much easier to find more enjoyment in costuming then trapeze. So while my schedule was nuts I took a two month trapeze break.  Taking a break was hard for me. For the first few weeks I was distraught at not seeing my friends and missing my wonderful weekly workout.  As time went on I realized why costuming has become more enjoyable and that's because my costuming friends are all over the country and some are in different countries but we talk almost daily through social media mostly but also phone calls and texting. It means a lot to me. We physically cannot see each other more than once or twice a year if we are lucky and even though we are all very busy we still talk often.

However, trapeze it seems I have to be in class or at the rig to hear from anyone and that makes it a lot less fulfilling to me.  After not hearing from people much since I have been on a break I have to question the real definition of what our relationships are. It leads me to think I am both a student and an acquaintance.  A person in the circle people like and chat with but once you leave the rig that's where it ends and that makes me extremely depressed which is the opposite of what I am looking for in this hobby.  I value the friends I have made but I don't feel valued by them which isn't friendship at all (this statement is not all inclusive).  Since writing this and prior to posting I was told people have been asking about me, but it’s a bit hard to know that when I am not hearing it directly.

It's very clear to me that taking this break has been beneficial to my well being and helped me sort out quite a bit of confusing stress. There are other reasons for my trapeze break involving feeling competed with and even pushed around a bit. This is a hobby that I enjoy and I do want to continue but at this point I am still very confused on how to continue and keep it a hobby that is fun and encouraging.

Just two days ago, I was asked to perform and I had to say no. I have turned down at least four opportunities to perform this spring at various venues which killed me because I want to perform more.  Being asked this weekend actually gave me the motivation I needed to want to return but then today I once I again felt the need to not return.  I don't know what to do. This is a social hobby. I feel as though the only way I can continue static is if I train alone and teacher less.  That's not social but I won't leave defeated. I also won't learn anything new.  I contemplated changing days but now that I have been off for so long I feel so weak and behind (hoping for muscle memory).  This past Saturday night I was snuggled up with my hotel roomies showing them videos and pictures and getting excited to return and today I flip flopped again.

It's a very tough decision to pass up something I love doing. I also know that I could be great at it given a lot of time, companionship and encouragement.  I believe I could be great because I love doing it.

However, I have no idea what to do right now. Now is decision time. Do I go back next weekend?  Do I try swapping my days?  Do I attempt to go to the indoor space with AC?  Do I try the other space I have yet to attempt to use?  Do I try getting a teacher again?   Do I pack up my trapeze and put her in storage?  I don't know. I am completely at a loss.  I also don’t want to have the influx of stress from trying all sorts of outlets to get my workout in.  I need a decision maker.  I should get a PA to help me schedule my life.

I don’t know what to do.  I don’t know at all.