Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Tough Days

It truly is during dark times one learns who to keep in their lives and who to maybe not let go but not keep so close.

The last year or so has been very damaging in a lot of aspects on my sanity (for lack of a better word). It’s not uncommon. I have been dealing with a lot of things I can’t discuss publically. The last few months have been getting progressively worse. I find myself in a position where I am actually dreading seeing my friends for no reason. In pushing myself to see them anyway I am further damaging myself and the relationships I have with these people.

The last month has been exceptionally trying. I am not proud to say that my twitter feed is at time filled with me having anxiety attacks and crying for days for no reason. There is no threat. There is nothing provoking this. I can only imagine it’s a culmination of everything bursting out to the point where I no longer feel I have control of my emotions. To compensate this (because who wants to be crying all the time), I have started shutting myself off. Sometimes it’s a bit easier to face the world vacant of emotions and even connections to people.

Now, I haven’t been training on aerials since April. I returned two weeks ago and my initial anxiety I thought just had to do with nervous return jitters, but last weekend I was filled with dread all weekend. I cried all day Saturday, Sunday morning, the drive out to Brooklyn, I welled up in class a few times, the drive home, Monday morning, during work, yesterday afternoon and even now. I know aerials will help with the anxiety. When I am actually training with my teacher, I do feel a lot better. However, there has been a dynamic change in the group and I no longer feel valued as a part of it. A big reason for that is my own anxiety, but it’s also how people respond to it. It’s tough being the elephant in the room.

Even though I know aerials will be good for me in the long run I am fighting myself to return each weekend to the point that I am sick, crying and not sleeping. This coming weekend I will be taking a flying class and visiting a few friends in Brooklyn and Queens so I am a lot more calm about it. I have no idea what will happen beyond this weekend.

I have written this blog and deleted it quite a few times because I didn’t see a purpose in putting it on the internet. I also thought what I was actually saying was much too exposing. But talking about anxiety doesn’t leave me feeling exposed. In fact, reading about it makes me feel a lot better. Talking about it makes me feel a lot better because I am not alone and this is not unique.

In the last month, I have tried opening up to friends to talk about what is going on and I was surprised at those that I thought were close shut me out and in return I have now shut them out. This doesn’t mean they are bad people but it does mean they are not the right people for me to have around or to confide in. Regardless of this, I have spoken to a few other friends and found them to be extremely helpful and even understanding. In reality that’s really all I want from my friends. I don’t want advice or opinions, I just want to be heard and understood.

I feel like I reached a breaking point this weekend. I can’t go on crying all the time. I also can’t go on not sleeping. I haven’t had a full night’s sleep in weeks. Tonight I slept three hours. The previous night I got three to four hours of solid sleep and then another three to four that was broken because I kept waking up.

So I am a bit quiet lately, keeping to myself and minding my own business. Though I am chatting with a select few people and that’s all I need right now.