Thursday, April 3, 2014

Overwhelmed

Tuesday late at night (in actuality super early Wednesday morning), I had what I will call an anxiety attack. In the midst of it, I wrote a blog post but my wifi pretty much shut off when the computer turned on. As frustrated as this made me, I am pretty sure it was a good thing.


I have had a lot of things on my mind lately including fatigue, time management, trapeze, costuming, social obligations, conventions, finances, etc. I am at a point where I know I need to work on costuming slower than I used to and not up at insane hours of the night in order to keep my work life on track (creativity killer). Frequent trapeze is expensive. Costumes are expensive in but finances and time. Conventions are expensive. Yes people do make costuming and conventions more affordable but there are certain luxuries I am not willing to give up. Going cross country, you will find me on a plane. I love being in the air and I wouldn’t give that up for anything.

I have been thinking wild thoughts about going to Phoenix Comic Con in June and as of late Tuesday night I was so panicked that I was ready to bail on the trip completely. Why? I am so homesick for my costuming friends that the idea of going across country to a convention where I know five people of whom are all working at the show absolutely terrifies me. I have no idea how to get from the airport to the hotel or vice versa. No idea if I am even eating dinner or lunch with people or anything. No idea.

Luckily for me, the two friends I started texting when my wi-fi decided I was not worthy to access the internet were actually awake at 2am. Both were trying to sleep, but my one friend continued to chat with me until I felt a little bit better and fell asleep. That ladies and gentleman is a good person, I know few people who would do that for me. I am pretty proud of myself for not completely freaking out online although had my two friends been fast asleep it probably would have happened. I can admit my shortcomings.

So come yesterday, I realize that it’s probably a bad idea for me to be home alone all weekend. I am so short on finances right now that I literally have to stay put all weekend just to afford the gas to get to trapeze class on Tuesday (I am hoping it rains). So I have a few friends that are about an hour away from me. The one wanted to hang out this weekend but only at her convenience. I am extremely hurt by this, but life will go on and some things are not meant to happen when others are meant to. My other friends keep saying they want to come out and visit and I was thinking “can I emotionally deal with another no right now?” I don’t have to because they said yes. Squeal! I am not too far away for someone! I might still see if another friend wants to come by for movies. I don’t really invite people over my place because I know I am a distance and I don’t handle repeated rejection very well for any reason. When I do invite people over it’s usually because I actually need those people.

I have a new pet peeve, which is pretty funny it’s called that because it’s the pet excuse. I might start avoiding all people that are addicted to their animals. I get it. I have had pets. I had two dogs that were the soul of my life but I never once let them prevent me from having a life or used them as an excuse to get out of something. It was one thing if one had a vet appointment but that’s about it.

I am so ranting and trying not to. Anyway, I decided a month ago that next year I am going to participate in Saint Baldricks. I have wanted to be a shavee for a few years now. A girl I once was friends with did it every few years and I was very moved by it. So I have decided to let my hair continue to grow uncut for another year and then shave it off. If I don’t do it now, I never will. However, if I wind up (not that this is a plan or anything) working somewhere different and the dress code says I can’t then I can’t, but as of now that’s the plan.

I am also going to put costuming on the back burner for a little bit come next year. I am still going to Phoenix, Eternal Con, NYCC Special Edition, Dragon*Con and maybe NYCC this year. I am still planning on going to C2E2 next year, but anything else is up in the air. I am most likely going to finish up the cosplays I have planned for this year and then start saving money instead of spending it on supplies. I would really like to get back to hiking, weekend drives, trapezing a bit more and finding other ways to improve my life so that is less stressed and more fulfilled. I will still do conventions but super local ones and possibly a random trip one every now and then because I really want to travel more.