So I had to back out of attending Phoenix Comic Con which was an extremely hard decision to make but in the end it's for the best that I stay here in New York.
My car broke down not once but twice this month, as did my laptop, and with less hotel roommates then anticipated for PCC the reality was I could not afford to go. This was the first time in four to five years I was even considering taking a vacation meaning somewhere far from home and not in my normal travels. I somewhat often take weekend trips to Philly, Jersey and New York City. This includes this weekend and the following three (you didn't think I was going to sit at home and sulk did you?). For me traveling the three to four hours isn't a real get-a-way and I was so looking forward to being in Phoenix. It's a show I have been longing to go to for a few years now on top of hearing wonderful things about the city. Needless to say I was heartbroken about not attending.
I made that decision two weeks ago. I freaked out about it. I cried. I flipped out on a good friend of mine that I can really say is probably one the best friends I have ever had. Whoops.
Now two weeks later I have gone through and canceled the hotel and my airfare. I actually feel a lot better in many ways. During the same weekend I started thinking about the reality of some other parts of my life. I made a big decision and it's one that I am sure a lot of people with be disappointed by but its my decision.
I have decided it's time to take a step back from circus arts. Shocking! Well, it's not really that shocking. It's not shocking to people who have been in touch with me over the last year and listening to my hardships returning. I fought myself for almost a full year. I made myself go to aerials insisting that at the very least it would help improve my anxiety. Exercise is completely important to reducing anxiety. However, in this case it was not working for a variety of reasons that I won't discuss online. Every reason has to do with me and me alone.
So just as I was finally feeling back on track with aerials physically, I am backing away. I am calling it temporary but unless I move closer to the city this is most likely a permanent departure. It's okay to enjoy things passionately from afar. I don't need to drive to Brooklyn every weekend. I don't need to give up 6 to 8 hours every Sunday for two hours of training time.
I will also not be flying trapeze for the rest of the 2014 season. This comes down to money solely. With my car issues there is no way I can afford to continue workshops at least not the summer workshop. To top everything off all the drive time is more wear and tear on my car causing more work needed. In the last month I had my rear brakes, rear rotors, and starter replaced. I have to now get the control arm replaced and the front two tires prior to inspection in August. Then I need a radiator (which that said does not need to be done immediately as long as I keep an eye on the antifreeze levels which I have been doing anyway). I also need new rear baring's but I am told that is not an immediate need.
I think the hardest part of stepping away from aerials is letting people down. The tough part was emailing my coach tonight to let him know that I will not be returning. That's a hard thing to do. This hasn't been the easiest decision, but it is the right decision. After talking it out with a few of my costuming friends (unbiased opinions) and coming to this conclusion I truly feel a huge weight lifted.
I can now have my weekends back. I can get back to hiking. I don't have to feel torn between going to a convention on the weekend or training. I can also join a yoga gym that will cost astronomically less in class fees and gas that I can go to more then once a week because it's right down the block.
My hope is that everyone I have met in aerials keeps in touch because I do miss every single person. I probably should tell them more often. For now, Stella the static trapeze will go back into storage where she will stay for awhile. In retrospect, I think all of my searching for change for the last two years (a new trapeze, switch to lyra, change spaces, etc) was really my own path to letting go.