Monday, July 14, 2014

Lasting Affects of Abuse

I had this peculiar realization the other night about the effect abuse has had on me.

So I am going to tell this story as vaguely as possible and hope those involved do not get offended because this isn't about them, it's about me and my own reactions.

I was in a car with a few friends having a wonderful time and then due to some traffic issues quite a bit of aggression appeared.  It's also disappeared in a flash once the aggravating factor was gone.  Initially I was laughing along thinking the road rage was a joke and then it suddenly turned in my brain from being funny to something that was scaring me.  So I got quiet until after it ended and because afterwards I felt okay I went so far as to tell my friends it had frightened me.

It occurred to me that I was the only person that had been affected by it.  Have I been so damaged by abuse that my personal reactions are massively unique from what would be typical?  It's a strange moment to feel so different but being able to voice how I was reacting is pretty big for me.  Years of abuse and being trained to be silent still resonate but I am very happy I have friends I feel safe even bringing it up around when it's happening.  That's pretty huge for me.

I am not upset with anyone.  Emotions are what they are.  They come out and it's no ones responsibility to know how I will react.  I don't even know most of the time and this was definitely one I would not have expected.

It's a big deal to me but at the same time I am completely perplexed.  I don't normally see the difference in my emotions so clearly.