One, my laptop died and then it was brought back to life by a friend of mine. Then it was sort of working and (after some driver magic) it seems to be working well once again. So that happened. But before that happened something else put a brake on my writing ability.
It's nothing medical. It's purely emotional. I had written about a pet peeve of mine and while I recognized at the time it might bug people the reality is it wasn't meant to. Yes its something that may bug me, but it's not a deal breaker. Nor was I speaking specifically to anyone or about anyone in my life. Yes there was something that happened that had bothered me but my comments were about me.
It's taken me awhile to recover from the result of that one comment being taken out of context. It many ways I don't think I will recover. The backlash I received broke me emotionally in a way I can't really describe and writing about it brings every single moment back.
I started hysterically crying on a Thursday so much that I couldn't sleep because every time I calmed down once my eyes were closed tears just started pouring out all over again. I wound up calling out sick for work that Friday because I hadn't slept, I was still crying, and I looked horrible. My eyes were so puffy it was a shock they were open. I finally fell asleep Friday afternoon after loading up on Zzzquil and putting Alice in Wonderland on (it usually works). I wish I could say I was better by the weekend but I wasn't. I was still very much damaged through the weekend and the following week.
I was counseled on Monday (in a way) for taking a sick day because it was a Friday. Reality is had I shown up to work I would have been sent home anyway and then been humiliated on top of it. Then I had a not so great trapeze class and I wound up leaving once again in tears. What happened over that broke me in a way I can't truly explain and it's clear some relationships will never be the same, but if that's how it's meant to be then so be it. I was already pushing myself away long before this even happened. It still hurts a lot though.
I considered taking my blog down since the idea of writing here just brought up more pain. What if I say I don't like oranges? Will there be some insane backlash from people who care about me? Can I deal with this potentially happening again? Probably not, but over time I finally started getting back to it.
The thing is, when I write in here unless I am being very specific about something I am writing about myself. This is my place and I get to be selfish here. It's a rare moment for many people to be afforded the opportunity to be self obsessed and not narcissistic. This is for me and it's about me.
Even yesterday when I wrote about my own issues receiving kind offers from people it is plausible that people thought I might be alluding to something that happened or a person in my life, but nope it's just a random thought that has been floating around in my head for sometime now because being kind takes practice. I did use a vague example of something from over a year ago, but it was about me.
So I am back (as long as the laptop holds out) and keep in mind this is about me and no one else but I am not about to put a disclaimer on blog posts. Though I wonder if I can get something to populate on it's own. Hmmmm.....
I tend to always keep this particular quote in my mind whenever I write anywhere. I do try to think about those around me constantly, maybe I should think a little less and just go with it.
If it’s very painful for you to criticize your friends — you’re safe in doing it. But if you take the slightest pleasure in it, that’s the time to hold your tongue. ~Alice Duer Miller