Sunday, January 17, 2016

Letting Go and Hanging On

I am truly struggling along to remain in good spirits and I am trying very hard.

A few days ago I was thinking back to a few years ago when I discussed on here my enjoyment of the daily email The Daily Love.  I have long unsubscribed, because I healed so much but in so little time I fell so far.

Truth be told, I am still really messed up from being dumped by a tacky outlet in a distasteful manner and then insulted to boot.  I am.  Very much so.  Reality is, I think for the first time, I actually let myself enjoy another person and I normally don't do that.  It's was scary when it was happening and I should have known better and that's really all I keep telling myself.  I can't stop telling myself it's my fault, but it's not really.  Anyway, we attempted the "friend" route recently and while I was okay with this because I realize that mess is not a mess I personally want other then to be around once in awhile.  I realized this week the person makes for a poor friend as well and I decided to let that go, because why continue being hurt by the same person?

My point to that is, somewhere along the way I stopped letting go of those doing me harm.  I had let them go, but I stopped paying attention to those entering my life so I could boot them back out.  People who emotionally harm me tend to shatter me and I have to do everything I can to keep them away.  I did serious work cutting many people out earlier last year and here I am.

In the meantime, I am continuing to heal by furthering my work on My Little Pony restores and general collecting, spending time talking with friends, making plans, painting, and most of all returning to static trapeze.  I kid you not, my doctor is thrilled I am back in the air, both because she loves to bug her patients about excersize (which does aid anxiety) and I also think she enjoys having a patient that does trapeze.

I will pull through this weird funk I am in.  I am not sure when but it will happen.  I keep saying if the twig on my fence can hang on, so can I.  The twig has been on my fence for 11 weeks through rain, wind, and now snow.  It was still there this morning.

I can do this.

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