Since being back I have been unsure of myself, dealing with silly drama, and recently inconsistent. Inconsistent because I have been both avoiding silly drama (no longer an issue) and my finances are super tight.
But yesterday, while I didn't do anything amazing or new, I just felt back. My first swing I actually felt I had some power in it and went for a pull over for the first time in about two months. I didn't make it with out fighting my way up but it's a good sign.
I tried stuff I haven't done in years and have been afraid to try to do now. I did an air spilt (a quick one) and thread the needle (an old favorite). We worked on a spin that have never been able to do and I still can't but I was given a variation I can do. I fell out of an envelope but that's because I did it twice and I wasn't crazy or sure of doing it again but I did it anyway.
It's pretty wild to me that while I have very real terrible things happening in my life right now trapeze brought me back to more of myself. At the beginning of class a hug brought me to tears but at the end not so much. I was also able to discuss some of what's going on with out turning into a teary mess. That feels good.
Future plans for pretty much anything are on hold sadly. I am not sure if I am even going to more then one day at EternalCon this weekend and I don't know if I will be at JemCon in September.
There are plans for big changes and I have a few options. So that's good. It's sad but it's good.
However, I feel a million times better after that class. I had thought that maybe I should use my pent up anger and use it as some extra power which I think I wound up using. I remember when I used to fly one of the instructors had upset me but I flew pretty great because I was pissed off. I rarely allow myself to be angry and that energy gets lost. So it was pretty cool to work some of it out last night.