Tuesday, July 5, 2016


Hi everyone!  It's been a month.  I can't say it's been the best of times but I haven't been writing because I am focusing on improving my health over blogging or anything creative really.

Last weekend I went to the beach to relax with a long time friend for the first time in several years. I used to go to the beach several times a week.  Most of the time I wasn't there to lay out in the sun but walk the nature walks and take pictures of anything I found interesting.  Usually by sunset I would sit on our rocky North Shore beaches to watch the sunset and people watch (watching kids at the beach is the best).  So randomly, a few days prior to going back to the beach I asked my long time friend if she wanted to go to the beach.  We used to always go to the beach back in the day.  Of course she said yes and, honestly, it was pretty great.  I was really a step in the right direction for me.

This particular friend I have known for around 15 years and we have been close on and off, but we have both come to terms with the fact that we don't need to hang out constantly to maintain that relationship.  In fact, we go years without hanging out when our lives are not in unison.  The last time I had been to her place her son was only 1 or 2 and just learning my name.  He is now five and adorable.  It's pretty cool to have a friendship like that because it doesn't really take much work.  It just exists and its great.

It was a pretty great day for me.  I started to feel more like myself again.  It was followed up by a good static trapeze class the following day.  So over all it was a great weekend and it left me possibly in too good a mood for the week that followed.  To say the least, someone was on vacation and a new person covered and only did half the job, didn't listen to me, focused on their own agenda, and then proceeded to tell me I wasn't giving them guidance.  Not the best of work weeks but it ended with a going away party for a coworker that was a good time.  We went to a bar that I have not been to since it opened (maybe 2007).  Hanging out with coworkers after work is not exactly new to me but for the newer people it would seem it.  These days I hate bars and I don't trust people drinking around me, but for a change I felt really at home with everyone.  It was a bittersweet ending to a less then wonderful week.

However, this weekend when people are usually out with friends, I found myself with absolutely no plans, not even static trapeze.  Normally this wouldn't bother me, but I found it devastating.  It's not as though I wasn't invited to Jersey (lets get that out of the way), but my anxiety prevents me from going to Jersey solo and meeting a swarm of new people.  It hurt and I am bitter about friends being together and not inviting me.  I know, I know, but it's not a one time thing.  Its an all the time thing and it's hard to deal sometimes.  This weekend was particularly hard.  Even if I can't go, it feels good to be invited.

I spent Saturday literally sleeping and playing phone games all day long.  Sad I know.  I spent the day in a half alive stupor and barely got up to even eat.  Why bother right?  Looking ahead to three days alone in my isolated cave.  Why get up?  Why eat?  No one cares.  No one is going to ask what I am doing.

When Sunday came around I forced myself to go out.  Nothing fancy but I wanted to see if we had flea markets in the area.  Turns out we no longer do.  The one we had is listed as "permanently closed" and everything else is an hour away.  Hello isolation.  I did find a listing on Google for Giant Garage Sale.  So I checked that out and it was literally a bunch of junk but HUGE.  I felt like I was nosing around in a junk yard and the area had a funky smell.  On my way to the next stop, I learned that my tail break lights are out.  Exciting!  The center one works but both sides are not functioning.  I tried looking up information on exactly which fuse is the brake lights and exactly where the brake switch is but it seems my car is not that interesting online when it comes to this kind of stuff.  I settled that the "stop lights" fuse has to be the brake lights.  I also watched a video on a different vehicles brake switch but I was unable to find my cars.  Sigh.  Overall, I had a good day and I went home to clean up my apartment.

Today, I had a friend over to watch a movie which was nice.  I kind of wanted to sleep the day away again, but I already had plans.  So we hung out for a good four hours and then I fell asleep when she left around 7pm.  Of course I woke up around 10:30pm to fireworks.  I slept through most of them but they were still going off until midnight here.  My neighbors do not care if anyone has work tomorrow.  Not all of us can take weeks off at a time, let alone holiday weeks.  I don't really mind though.  It's the Fourth of July.  It comes with the holiday.

Every day is a struggle and tonight I stumbled upon a Mariah Carey song that I enjoyed when it came out in 1997.  At that time it spoke to me because I knew I was different at 16 years old.  I knew my experiences in life had already been more then the average 16 year-old.  Now it describes my depression perfectly.  I won't pretend that some of the lyrics are not weird, because they are.  I mean no one can be completely the same and large words are dropped in randomly.

You will always be somewhere on the outside. 

Funny how music is not a huge part of my life anymore but the same songs still speak volumes to me.