Saturday, October 29, 2016

Depression Depths

I have been working a lot lately and in many vital ways it's been helpful to my mental health. 

However, in some not so much.  I have been busy working a minimum of 60 hour weeks which means on some days I am not really around from 9am until midnight.  

The good is that working retail is getting me out of the house where I would be sulking or sleeping. I am out and while I am doing stock and cleaning mostly, I get to interact with and help people. I love helping in general so helping customers gives me an amazing sense of self that I have been missing.  Just being around people in a positive environment is helpful. Often my regular ailments vanish at the retail job because I am too distracted or pleased to care that a kidney stone has me in pain.  I was in kidney stone pain yesterday. It kept moving around from my back to my front. It wasn't terrible pain thankfully.

The downside, that I have noticed over the last three weeks, is not hearing from those I care about. It's not anything new but it's more noticeable.  When I do go on break, I have no one to talk to.  When I am off work, no one to see.  Plus the sad reality that when I reach out nothing happens and I have reached out. 

I have come to this sad conclusion that I only have one friend that I can rely on and I am not around on the days I know I can contact him.

It's things like this. This isolation, lack of worth, and lack of feeling wanted that drives me deeper into depression.  I know for a fact, if I went missing no one would look for me.  That's a terrible place to be in emotionally.

I keep on most days and I don't know why.  I keep pushing myself to be here when I am not of any real importance to anyone. I can be replaced at either job and those in my life wouldn't notice. 

But luckily I am not in that place since life is not full of dread currently. My second job brings me a nice sense of genuine happiness and peace.  It can't fix the holes in my heart but it's uplifting enough to keep me off the edge.  I plan on keeping it after the holidays because of the positive effect it has. 

I tried making plans for a movie night tonight, I tried making dinner plans three times last week, I tried having conversations with friends who don't return calls or texts, I am over trying.

Hopefully my next post will be a bit happier. Good things are happening they are just over shadowed by this cloud right now.  I will get through it.