However, in some not so much. I have been busy working a minimum of 60 hour weeks which means on some days I am not really around from 9am until midnight.
The good is that working retail is getting me out of the house where I would be sulking or sleeping. I am out and while I am doing stock and cleaning mostly, I get to interact with and help people. I love helping in general so helping customers gives me an amazing sense of self that I have been missing. Just being around people in a positive environment is helpful. Often my regular ailments vanish at the retail job because I am too distracted or pleased to care that a kidney stone has me in pain. I was in kidney stone pain yesterday. It kept moving around from my back to my front. It wasn't terrible pain thankfully.
The downside, that I have noticed over the last three weeks, is not hearing from those I care about. It's not anything new but it's more noticeable. When I do go on break, I have no one to talk to. When I am off work, no one to see. Plus the sad reality that when I reach out nothing happens and I have reached out.
I have come to this sad conclusion that I only have one friend that I can rely on and I am not around on the days I know I can contact him.
It's things like this. This isolation, lack of worth, and lack of feeling wanted that drives me deeper into depression. I know for a fact, if I went missing no one would look for me. That's a terrible place to be in emotionally.
I keep on most days and I don't know why. I keep pushing myself to be here when I am not of any real importance to anyone. I can be replaced at either job and those in my life wouldn't notice.
But luckily I am not in that place since life is not full of dread currently. My second job brings me a nice sense of genuine happiness and peace. It can't fix the holes in my heart but it's uplifting enough to keep me off the edge. I plan on keeping it after the holidays because of the positive effect it has.
I tried making plans for a movie night tonight, I tried making dinner plans three times last week, I tried having conversations with friends who don't return calls or texts, I am over trying.
Hopefully my next post will be a bit happier. Good things are happening they are just over shadowed by this cloud right now. I will get through it.