Wednesday, December 28, 2016

Anxiety Attack

I had a pretty big anxiety attack the Wednesday before Christmas. I had several pretty tough days in a row and by Wednesday I exploded. 

So Monday was busy as usual but I got a bit upset because of some nonesense with one of our purveyors. Basically the sales representative is lazy but wants more business and made demands.  It's not something I can speak on in detail but it was very upsetting. This is the same sales rep who sent me Obama hate chain mails at least 3 times.  I am not a fan of this man. 

I didn't have my second job Monday but I don't recall what I did that evening. The following day I was swamped with more last minute holiday requests (because no one knows they are having a party until the day of apparently).  Between that, my regular inventory, and the constant additional requests at the door, I was pretty done for by time I got to my break which was an hour later at 3pm. I was too busy to go at my normal time. I was also exhausted. 

I did have my second job Tuesday night. I took a quick nap in the car inbetween jobs. I have been doing this pretty frequently lately. I went into work as usual but I was really out of it. I managed to lock my bag, car keys, and everything except my coat in the locker including the key to open it. I had already been stressed out and now I was panicking. How was I going to get home?  How will I get to work tomorrow?  If I get home, how will I get in?

Security did not have bolt cutters. I send my new landlord a text asking if she could go into my apartment and find the spare key. She did and she found it. I asked several local friends if they could pick up the key and bring it to my job. I knew it was a tall order but everyone turned me down. One person never responded. So my landlord brought it out to me. I was grateful and completely embarrassed. 

The entire time I was trying to get anyone to pick up the key, I kept thinking how this is something people with normal (or semi functional) families call their family for but I don't have that. It's a hard reality of my life. I don't have that safety net and no matter how awful family can be they usually bail people out of these kind of situations.  My worst fear (other then drowning) is having a real emergency and no one responds and there I was having a more minor emergency and no one responded. I am crushed by my own reality.

So Wednesday, I was upset from the night before and worried about what insanity was ahead for the day.  I found at least two more local people that might have been able to help. That's a plus. However, remember the one person that didn't get back to me?  They did on Wednesday telling me they didn't see the message and had a very emotional day with their family. While this may be accurate and a good excuse, my friend likely unintentionally twisted that knife in deeper. I lost it. 

I left work and by time I got to the car I was hysterical and bloodshot. I had plans for that afternoon but instead I did what I needed to do and bolted home.  I picked up my laundry, and I did two minor things in storage.  I made it home and curled up in bed. I slept through the night.

The next day, driving into work I was fighting my thoughts and tears but overall I made it through much better then I had all week. Plus the day ended on a high note as I helped put together the food donations for Adopt-a-Family. It's one of my favorite things to do. Coming from a poor family I truly love helping to feed the underprivileged for the holidays. I wish we did it more then once a year. 

So the end result of this is me being even more careful with people in my life, but also being better at taking my anxiety medication.  Today I am just sick with an icky head cold. Wish it away for me please.